How I see you...

I have a saying that I use quite regularly that refers to perspective. Perception is correct 100% of the time even if it is a misperception. Unintended words still hurt even if not intended as such, similar to stepping on someone's toe. An apology soothes the principle, but does not ease the pain. Bipolar sometimes has the unique ability to cloud our rationality and make the impossible seem normal. I found it odd that in my research on controlling my bipolar I learned that this "disease" peaks in your early to mid 20's. Oddly enough even the most stable individual is mostly irrational, 10ft tall and bullet proof around that age as well. I have also noticed that the bipolar struggle is greatly influenced by the moon. Turning 30 was an ahhaa moment for me. I really began to take my bipolar ( and a few other diagnosis) by the reins more and more. At newly 35, I have expanded on a comprehension that I have never had before. Call it an emotional intelligence awakening. I learned that alot of my reations in the past stem from not knowing how to cope. It may have been easier to face disappointment with anger and hostility. I now know that this only prolonged the acceptance needed for closure. Without that closure I was plain and simply adding baggage to an already overloaded cart. My path is far from well carved, the road has many twists and turns in store I am sure. I control more of my bipolar everyday. My thoughts are still haunted by many images from my past but considering the nature of them I expect they will serve as reminders for the rest of my life. And that is okay. I no longer see them as much as nightmares but more so as graphic reminders of what I have survived. I am hard headed so Karma must resort to such brutal efforts to get her point across. I hurt on the inside but I have love and laughter there too. In the forefront is a great gorge of the part of my life that is missing. Partly by my own hand, yet mostly the lies of another. I have no anger here just acceptance. The last round of devastation has given way to a strange peace that I almost feel guilty for. I understand much better why you cannot change how people act but can change how you feel about it. I also realize that the timing of the acceptance is not entirely piloted but the determination for acceptance can speed the process greatly. My greatest desires for healing have really come to fruition when I decided that my changes were not for my kids, my husband or the good of the world but for me. For my feelings, perceptions, hopes, dreams, failures. In learning who I am and what I want and what I am willing to sacrifice for others I can much better determine if it is worth its weight at the soul value. I realize I have been quite wasteful with many opportunities I have had. I may not have gotten the potential out of each I did gain something. (had to learn to recognize the hidden meanings in some of life's lessons) Kristalee your worth and value I find in your bravery and courage to show others how to survive and cope. I personally do not do pain comparision simply because noone can fully understand any one person's intensity of emotions. I do not think anyone is worse off than anyone. Every struggle is intense to each's own. Each struggle is different. Everyone must find their own sanctuary that fits their soul. So what if it is not traditional methods.....find what soothes your soul and eases your mind. Do not give up if you have not found your salvation. Be open to different, nontypical ways means and methods. Look around the corner instead of around your feet. With a mirror in front, Stand on your head in the corner with your feet on the wall because it increases blood flow to the brain and the ridiculous physical stress will have you laughing at what you are willing to go through to dig up a smile cause if you frown upside down what do you get.... I listen to my Dr's but I try not to label myself. I like the perspective that Bipolar is a state of mind not a way of life. My husband after about 11 yrs of battling bipolar is finally wanting to learn about my disorder.. Well my disorder is everyone around me's disorder if left unattended. The biggest obstacle I have found in controlling bipolar is the lack of understanding. invalidation and dismissal (you are just crazy, get over it, why do you have to stress so much) and the isolation of thought really bound me to the irrationality of the bipolar. The outrageous did not seem ludicrous, just another possibility to explore. This is where we need the courage to override our irrationality and be able to demand logic and confidence in choosing our escape/release. Kristalee you inspire me. Your courage as well as your fear. That is what helps make my story real and not just "in my head" My life is real the good and the bad. It doesn't make me a bad person merely and example to do with what I can. You have given me this opportunity. For that I am grateful. Know within you have helped me make a better person both inside and out and the value of that is priceless just as you are. XOXO Shannon