The monster inside of him ... has become a monster inside of me.

How can someone that says they love you and they would die for you, brainwash you and take you from the top of a pedestal and slam you all the way down to the ground? How can they just sit there and laugh and smile as the tears roll down our face? How can they just keep putting you down and throwing what you told them back in your face? All your thought and secrets and sins, with all your love and confidence that they will protect them like they are going to protect you.. wrong wrong soooo very wrong!!! 


The past few years have been HELL! I truly can't remember times other than when I am with my son, that I have been happy and healthy and sane. I have learned a lot about myself as I've had a lot of time alone. Although I am married, I still feel alone more often times than not. We are on two different pages, more like books. I wouldn't say he makes me better but I can say, he does make me worse. I knew this before marrying but my idea of being married was having someone who would always be there, when I wake up so depressed wanting to leave this world, he would be there for me... I am often severely depressed and rarely happy and barely functioning. I don't have anyone to be there for me, my support system, my true friends. I don't have anyone because trusting is so hard for me. I can meet people online and be so alive... but i don't even want to leave my house. I am scared of being hurt, I am guarded and I know that people in real life can hurt me much worse than my online friends ever could. I know that I have to put this guard down but I try and try and then I do. .. .. .. .. .. .. and then I fall. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 


My puzzle isn't complete like it was a few years ago. I fought for 4 yrs for custody and child support for my son. My sons father wasn't a good dad and wasn't around much for our son. I was on top of the world since my son came into this world. I knew what love finally was, true love. Wherever I went, my son was sure to go. We loved the beach the most but went to the parks and played baseball, soccer and kickball. We would climb trees and skip rocks through the water. We would go to the zoo and take pictures with the monkey and we would go to the circus and watch the clowns. We would watch movies and eat popcorn or dance our butts off. We would swing on the swings for an hour, that was my sons favorite thing at the park. It was as though he was free, like a bird. Since we shared placement, every other week, it was always a sad to day to watch him go. My son always cried when his dad would come pick him up. I felt so bad but I was getting our son a lot more than a week for a while because his father was busy with other 'obligations.' But years after fighting and the top of conversation in court was only that of my bipolar, I started fighting and started losing ground. I had not only had my friend lie to my sons atty, the GAL about everything, which I just found that out recently but also had a GAL who completely got it wrong. His recommendation was to put my son with his father and I was in pure, utter shock! My custody was so limited and I felt as though I lost my life. Everything that makes him better and me better.... is gone.  My attorneys didn't even fight for my sons rights, they just argued about my mental illness as though I was a murderer!! They always did say though that, there was no doubt in their mind that I love my son however. ... ... .... .. .. ... 


So, because of a failed court system and bad judge of character.. or wrong judge of character, I had to suffer ever since. My depression and bipolar overcame me and I struggle and cry almost daily as I wait to see my son and cherish the time we do get to see each other. 


I am not a victim nor do I want sympathy.. .I just want my voice to be heard and these are my thoughts and feelings. 


XOXO  Hugs, Kristalee